Do you love someone who is an addict? Does it tear you apart? 

Have you wondered why he or she chose such self-destructive behavior? Is addiction a choice, or is it an illness? Or perhaps, is it a combination of both? 

One June morning, I found the answers to my burning questions. Read on to discover how I reframed my understanding of my son’s addiction and how meditation helped heal us both.

Understanding the Pain of Addiction

My son and I swayed gently together on a porch swing, and the early morning breeze embraced us, as I sipped my coffee. I relished the peacefulness during that moment because of its sharp contrast to years of anger and pain that previously defined our relationship. 

My son had many problems, escalated by years of abusing alcohol and drugs. Ultimately, after a motorcycle accident when he had been prescribed opioids for pain, his life devolved, and he became a heroin addict.  

This morning, we sat silently drinking coffee, enjoying the birds’ multifaceted sounds, bespeckled by the morning light filtering through the bountiful leaves. In the peace of this moment, my son is sober and has been for a few years.  

He is comfortable with himself. He is a loving husband and father of a little 18-month-old girl. Pensively, he began to speak. “Every morning, the first thing I did when I woke up…I would feel my body, you know, assess it,” he said. “I needed to know very quickly how much time I had before I became dope sick.” 

Although we communicated throughout his addition-riddled years, this comment still came as a complete surprise to me.

“What? Dope sick?” I asked quizzically. I had an idea of what he meant but wondered if that was a term people used.

He sighed deeply, “Excruciating pain and sweats. Imagine being in so much pain that the thought of suicide brings some relief, but you don’t have the physical strength to do it. Every morning, I would wake up, and my panic would start immediately. ‘How can I get it today? Will I have to steal? Lie again? Who can I convince that I’m sober and just need money for food? How can I avoid this pain? Is there anyone left in my life who will still give me money or drugs?'”

“That sounds like hell,” I sadly responded, horrified at the thought of this excruciating morning routine and my ignorance of it. “It was,” he replied, “it was hell.” 

Then he chuckled softly, his face blossomed, “But now I listen for my baby girl when I wake up. She likes to sing to herself in the morning.” He laughed, “If she is still sleeping, I just roll over and go back to sleep.”  

His smile brightened as he thought about the ease of going back to sleep- released from the time bomb in his body. He settled back in the swing and took another sip of coffee.

“If she is awake, I take her out of her crib and change her diaper. She is so cheerful in the morning. She is ready to play, and so am I,” my son said. I watched his slightly moistened eyes crinkle and smiled as he gazed into the distance. 

“That sounds like heaven,” I commented. I know that he is telling me this because he has already made that comparison and wants to share the victorious joy of having put that hellish life behind him. 

“It is.” The bird’s song became more prominent in our silence.

Change Your Perception

My perception of who he was and his life during those years of addiction turned upside down. How could I have been so ignorant of the pain he was going through? How could I ever even think that he would choose to live this life?

I was aware of the suffering he inflicted on me, his siblings, and his friends. Throughout all that time, I never fully understood the intensity of his pain until that moment. Weren’t his dead eyes a hint?

Have you ever felt this way? So angry or so hurt that it was impossible to see through the addict’s actions and find compassion? We only know and feel the pain that they create for us, for all who love them. Throughout his addiction, I confess, I was oblivious to the depth of his grief. 

Addiction is Not a Choice

It’s hard to witness someone else’s addiction as an illness. My son’s story of his morning walks into hell, begs the question, who would ever choose this life? I knew at that moment that addiction is not a choice. It is similar to accidentally walking into quicksand. The victim starts to sink in the mire of pain, and the struggle begins before they even know what happened. 

Addiction can happen to anyone. We are all human, and addiction is a human condition. 

My son struggled, as do all addicts. His healing was a hard fight. He had a long and challenging journey in and out of treatment centers, plant medicine therapies, months of sober living homes, and years of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I thank God every day for the blessing of his return and health.

What Do You Do When Someone You Love is an Addict?

Have you asked yourself, how do I find peace within the storm of my loved one’s addiction? Do you pray? Do you wonder if it helps them?  

Sometime during the mid-years of my son’s struggle, I realized that we were inexplicably joined on this journey together, and I needed to let love, and love alone, pave our path. I understood that if I could somehow see the Divine in him, I could release myself from the pain and fear that I was feeling. 

I was determined to look at him, and his addiction, through another lens. I knew that my circular negative thoughts about him only reinforced his feelings of despair. It was with this realization that I turned to meditation.

We can meditate, and when we do, we change. By opening our loving hearts, we can see through our loved one’s addiction and recognize their Divine self.  It’s when we can do this that peace reigns. 

It was a challenging task, but I found a way to change my tendency to condemn my son in my thoughts. I did this through meditation. In meditation, I could move into the inner peace of my heart. Once there, a whiff of compassion and love embraces and inspires me. 

A Guided Meditation for Addiction

Within the cocoon of this new space of positivity, I relived the loving moments that I shared with my son. I pictured his genuine laughter, childhood innocence, innate kindness, tender heart, and how he shared his pain with his tears. These thoughts helped me see and experience his addiction as a mask, a disguise that he wore but not who he was. 

Every day, I encourage you to meditate and visualize your loved one and some of your happiest memories together. It could be remembering them as a happy baby, graduating from high school, or an exceptionally memorable vacation. Whatever it is, visualize something that brings you joy. 

Let these memories soften your heart as inner peace encompasses you. Let love replace your anger. 

I also found this meditation, which I found incredibly helpful while dealing with my son’s addiction. If you choose to utilize this meditation, replace the neutral person in the guide to the addicted person in your life. 

Whatever method you choose, the key is to keep your thoughts positive.

It’s essential to remember that we are not praying because we’re trying to change another person. We are praying so that we can become more loving and find peace within ourselves. Soren Kierkegaard once said, “Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays.”

Remember it is Possible to Heal

That day, sitting on the porch, listening to my son speak so lovingly about his wife and daughter, I knew that he had found himself again. He had discovered the truth of his being, and the peace that it can bring. It was such a blessing to have the son I remembered sitting beside me, a loving, sweet, and compassionate young man. 

It is terrifying to watch a loved one suffer so deeply and repetitively. On our darkest days, we must remember that it is possible to heal. We are all on our unique journeys and have Divine love guiding us. 

Find Your Peace Within

If you want to help your loved one fight their battle with addiction, it’s essential to first find the joy and peace within yourself.

If you have a loved one struggling with addiction, and there was something that helped you find peace, please comment below to help others on their journey. There are also other guided meditations located here (insert link) that you may try.

I wish you peace, a gentle swing, warm breezes, and a birdsong. 

Did you enjoy this writing? Click here to read more by Reverend Kathleen Lockwood.